Dearest C,

I've never had a "one that got away". I've never had regrets about love - or leaving it. Then again, I've never really given it a chance. Particularly with us. I made all these assumptions about what life was going to be like in the future, but never told you my fears or concerns. I kept everything to myself without telling you what scared me or what I needed from you. I didn't trust what we had to be able to make it past the hard times. I bailed. I was cowardly, cruel, selfish and impatient. There will never be the words to make it right, but I know now that you are the one that got away. The one that I dream about all the time. The one that I think of all the time, at every turn. I pass a Wendy's, I think of you. I pass Garcia's, I think of you. I watch some crazy movie, I think of you. I go to the liquor store and see Samuel Smith's and think of you. Everything reminds me of you.

In a way, I think I deserve to be punished for hurting you the way I did. And even though it's torture, I will get through it because it's my own doing.

I still love you, C. More than you'll ever know. I know it's not terribly romantic, but I know now that you are the one who feels like home. Who knows me better than I ever wanted to admit. That I would have been comfortable with for the rest of my life.

I know you'll never read this, and I suppose in a way, that's why this is easy. I want for you to be happy, and I respect that you don't want to hear from me, which is why I've taken your number out of my phone and your email our of my address book. I now don't have the means to insert myself in your experience, which is exactly what I think you want.

I won't lie though. I miss you. All the time. I think of you all the time.

I hope you're happy. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find someone who appreciates exactly who you are and everything you have to offer. I hope.

Always,
Sarah

Current Mood: contemplative

I think it's interesting how much men underestimate loyalty in a relationship - how they have no idea that being loyal is actually sexy. Someone should write a thesis on this.

I had a dream last night about Charlie. The weird thing about it was that in the dream he didn't really look like himself - in my head I knew that he had changed, but that it was still him. In the dream I broke down in front of him and put my head on his lap and cried - he stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be ok, but was also strangely distant. The thing is, in my heart, I know that I hurt him in more ways than I can really understand. And in the dream, he was doing exactly what I assumed he could never do for me, which is be strong for me when I need to fall apart. I realized that I never gave him the opportunity to prove that he could actually be there for me. In fact, I've done that with almost every relationship - nipped it in the bud whenever my significant other showed some sign of not being perfect...what kind of a psychotic bitch am I? Jesus! I know that life if supposed to be learning from every experience we have, and I have learned so much, but it's taken me a lot longer to learn some lessons than others.

Not having Charlie in my life anymore is hard - harder than I thought it would be. I can't imagine what he must think when I drunkenly call him and leave voicemails just telling him I hope he's ok. I feel like I finally get it. I finally get what I did and potentially how stupid I was, but for some reason I'm not angry. I'm just sort of listless and saddened and wish I could apologize, but I know that he's stopped talking to me for almost a year, and I need to respect his wish for me not to be in his life anymore. I just need to get comfortable with that, and right now, I'm really, really not.

Current Mood: contemplative

When I cried, I wanted to crawl inside of you - and find a place that was the one place on earth where I could be free and safe. I wanted you to love me in a way I've never been loved before - in a way where I could look at you through my tear-stained eyes and still be beautiful and understood.

In an effort to busy my fingers into not contacting someone who might be bad for me or representative of the male attention I always seek (yes, that came directly from my therapist), I'm posting.

Long time no chat, universe. How've you been? I'm fine, I suppose, though I could be better - working on that though as things are slowly getting better. I still don't have a job yet, but I'm working on that and will hopefully get to go out to Ohio again sometime soon for another interview. I'm hoping maybe this week.

Second good thing - I finally got my period after 5 weeks. I really haven't appreciated my period this much in a long time. AND, I've learned that homeopathic remedies for treating myself are really ok for the most part - as long as they don't sound completely insane. Call me if you want a full explanation.

New topic: My mother wants me to call my brother because she thinks that he's "having a tough time with something" and it might mean a lot to him if I called. I don't want to call him because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the fact that I never put together a marketing plan for him for his new business that he was thinking of starting. It's easier to ignore him, than to face up to my shortcomings....but I suppose I'm doing it a little bit now, may as well rip off the band-aid, right?

I'm also trying to be more "present". I find that the more I'm alone, the more I simply spend time in my head and not on where I am or what I'm doing. I need to get out more. I'm trying not to spend any money because I am quickly running through my savings and need to be careful so I can still pay all my bills with the unemployment I'm getting. Being present in all that I do can help stop me from being depressed and focus on the opportunities in front of me...not wandering around in my head...

OK, the notion to text/call anyone has passed...I'm sure I'll be back.

Current Mood: contemplative

this is just going to be short and kind of free flowing - just want to get that out of the way up front...

I don't know if I believe in love anymore.

I'm so lonely I don't know what to do - my best friend is in a really great relationship, but she's busy with school and I don't get the chance to talk to her as much as I would like to have a sounding board. Plus, I miss the companionship of that special someone in my life - someone to share you fears, stress and worries with, but also to share your successes, hopes and dreams with. I guess I need to get back in the mode where I'm just focused on me and need to just take care of myself. I was doing really well, starting to open up and be more vulnerable, but it's obviously opened up the "wound" if you will. I am so much more aware of the closeness that I wish to find, but going through meeting lots of different guys as I have done lately, none of them seems like a good fit. But, I also wonder if I am not giving them the benefit of the doubt. That if I gave them a little bit more of a chance, that they might, in fact be better fits than I give them credit for.

Work is insane - I've been SO busy lately and still didn't get to take my Friday the way I was supposed to. I was planning on getting in touch with recruiters to see if I could really give my job search some legs. I'm just frustrated doing what I'm doing...don't really know if this is what I want to be doing anymore.

I feel uglier/fatter than ever. I need to do something. something's got to change. I need to find a way to be happy and need to find an activity that I enjoy, cuz this is just getting depressing.

Current Mood: lonely

Doing Brookie's meme;
Past:

1) Biggest accomplishment- I don’t really know if I have any particular accomplishments that I’m proud of – I’ll let you know when I hit one

2) Biggest disappointment- While I’m often disappointed, I move on pretty quickly, so I don’t let anything get to me too much – though G being gay was a huge disappointment. Still working through that.

3) Been in a wedding/ How many? Yes, of course been in a wedding…ugh. 4 as a bridesmaid

4) Ever saved someone's life? Not that I’m aware

5) Who was your childhood idol/Hero? Didn’t have just one…but I did love Kermit

Present:

1) Thing you cannot live without- cell phone and iPod

2) Quirky habits? I run into door jams a lot, I sing to myself all the time

3) What do you love to hate? Stupid trixie bitches from Lincoln Park

4) Who is your hero now? Everyday people who make a difference

5) What is YOUR anti-drug? Music, but that usually leads to drugs…


Future:

1) Goals for this week- Get through Thursday, Not work too much on Friday – my day off

2) Goals for this year- Lose weight, learn to meditate, figure out what makes me happy

3) Are you an organ donor? Yup yup

4) Next vacation plan? Phoenix for a wedding at the end of May

Have you ever:

1) Been in a serious accident? No – knock on wood

2) Had an operation? Yup – tonsillectomy when I was 24

3) Lost a loved one? yes

4) Cheated in a relationship? Yes, but not recently

5) Seen someone die? No


Can You:

1) Drive a standard (stick-shift)? No, but I’d love to learn – so many fun cars to drive…

2) Perform the Heimlich Maneuver? Yes

3) Give CPR? I’m sure I could, but I’ve never been formally trained.

4) Donate Blood? Not for at least the next twelve months…. (cryptic much!)

5) Ride a unicycle? Never wanted to


Are You:

1) A registered Voter? Yes!

2) A Member of a political Party? Not officially

3) Employed? Yup

4) In a relationship? No

5) A Parent? No


Would You:

1) Ever Break the Law? Seriously? Who doesn’t do this…

2) Lie to a friend? I do, but not to be mean

3) Join the circus? Definitely no – carnie folk freak me out

4) Lie FOR a friend? Absolutely

5) Marry (again)? Depends on whether or not I find the right person


Favorites:
1) Place- Paris, France or Budapest, Hungary

2) PERSON- Jessica and Shylo – my two closest friends

3) dessert- Ice cream with fruit and chocolate sauce

4) color- red or chocolate brown

5) beverage- Cold: water definitely Hot: Soy Latte

Current Mood: tired

I got some!!  And it was GOOOOOOD!  Wooohooo!!!

And yes, I had permagrin all day today.  I forgot how good this feels - the after effects... ;)

Current Mood: ecstatic

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Current Mood: horny

I find myself feeling terribly needy today.  I really could use a hug and someone to tell my troubles to, and just essentially cuddle with - with no expectation of sex.  And yet, I'm really liking not being involved with anyone right now because I'm doing really well in regards to my personal growth - lots going on inside and doing well with that - discovering, discussing and getting better.  I just really would love for someone to let me lay my head on their lap and stroke my hair while I fall asleep.  I know we all need interpersonal touch, but I don't have any outlet for that, and am getting better about not going out  / back to exes to get the physical energy I need.  What to do, what to do?

Current Mood: apathetic

Where to start....

So many thoughts just bouncing around my head for way too long.  I've been meaning to write them all down, but I never do take the time to do what I should for myself - I always think that I can work it out in my head when really it's just better to get it all out.

The last three weeks have been a rollercoaster ride of emotion between work and my parents and my relationships.  Daniel and I broke up, my boss was removed from the account I work on at the request of the client, Charlie and I have been spending a ton of time together, my mom has been acting like a 5 year old...the list goes on and on.

Current Mood: confused

So I received an email from my mom this morning in response to an email I sent her last night about a shower gift for a family friend.  I'm put the majority of the back and forth behind a cut so you don't have to scroll through unless you're really interested, but the first part of this is an email I wrote to her, but didn't send.  My therapist has been telling me lately that there's no point in getting angry at her and spouting off at her about it - that I need to find another outlet for it, and that she's never going to be the mother that I want her to be.  He keeps reminding me that so often in substance abuse households (or any other addictive-behavior situations) the person who is the abuser is often not seen as the  crazy one (such is the case with my parents) my father is the alcoholic and my mother is the nutjob because she always wants everyone to think that we're normal.  Sometimes I think my dad drinks more because he's so annoyed at her trying to be Betty Crocker all the time.  Who knows.  With that preface, here goes nothin...

Current Mood: discontent

Been a weird day....

I should be in bed now, that's fo sho...

I've been thinking about this interesting notion that Jessica and I discussed the other day...that we each inside of us have this darker side that we don't often let out for others to see, but often give a glimpse into.  While I'm not entirely sure how I've given her this glimpse, she mentioned, after a long discussion about  my past, that she knew that there was something dark about me that I often didn't let out, but that she knew was in there somewhere....I wonder a) how she knew, b) what she thinks this might be and c) how on earth I keep it hidden so often...

Here's the thing - I agree with her.  There is a deep part of me that is dark, rebellious and innately anti-establishment.  But there is also a part of me that is hurtful, defensive, cutting and belligerent.  A piece of me that wants to fight at every opportunity - that says " you don't like me? Well let me tell you just how fucked up you are.  Cuz you've got no idea how much I can hurt you, big boy."  And while the sweet thang inside of me is a little disturbed by that, the feminist inside of me takes a toke and says, "fight on, sister!"  Sometimes I wonder why I'm not medicated....

I continue to wonder if the reason why I don't allow myself to let that dark side out more is because I think it "wouldn't be prudent" or because I don't think that's my true self.  But in the end, if those thoughts pop in my head, running through the transom of my mind - aren't they the "real me" ?

Current Mood: devious

i realize that there's probably only one person who reads this, but there's a whole lot bumpin' around in my head. 

I've spent the entire weekend doing nothing - I don't think I even left my apartment once.  But Friday night i went out with my friend Jessica after work - she and I work together, but we were friends before that - long story short, I got her an interview at my company and then she got the job, so now we work together.  At any rate, we went to a BBQ at this guy Bobby's house - he's a friend of Mike's, who is Jessica's best friend.  At some point I'll make you a diagram. 

Moving forward - Bobby has told Jessica on several occasions that he thinks that I'm great - that I'm smart, fun, easy to talk to, even hot (let's not go there - we all know I don't see myself that way).  So the last time I hung out with Bobby he and I went out on the porch to have a smoke and got to talking - we went  outside so many times and talked - apparently every time we went outside our friends inside the party thought that we were outside making out - pretty funny if you ask me.  Especially since i've been trying to find an emotional place from which I can start to trust someone and not jump into bed with them up front, so the fact that I was actually NOT doing that makes me feel a little bit better about myself = please note, for Sarah, this equals a little bit of irony.

Be that as it may, Bobby told Jessica that he was becoming more and more confused about the situation with me because he now knows how old I am (29 btw) and he can't see himself dating anyone more than 3 yrs older or 3yrs younger then he (he's 24).  He actually told Jess that  it was so hard to get past that it was as if I were taller than he was. WTF?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I get it, but age is just a number and apparently he's not old enough to know that.  So Friday night I go out on his porch to have a cigarette, at some point he comes out and we start talking - we were out there for over an hour!  People came out to check on us 3 or 4 times - it was kind of funny.  I had a great time talking with him - he's certainly no slouch in the brain department.  At one point though, after we'd both gone inside and then come back out again, he told me that when he likes a girl, he's very direct about it and she knows that he's into her.  I'm now thinking, really?  then I guess you must not be into me because I haven't got a clue whether or not you're into me and you said I would know, right? then again, I'll be honest, I usually have to be hit over the head with a come on because I assume that if someone stops me in a club they're asking for directions.

A couple of people I've talked to about this have said that I should just leave it alone and that I shouldn't even tbe interested in dating him because he's so young.  Maybe they're right.  I guess maybe I'm just getting a little restless.  it's been a while for me.  Charlie and I broke up right before valentine's day - so it's been a couple of months.  But really maybe I should take some more time than that - really focus on me.  i really haven't done the kind of self-analysis that would really truly help me get through all of my issues - my therapist said that it would really help to do a total inventory of all of my relationships and I'm sure it would definitely help.  i just can't imagine how much time it would take.  but I guess i need to commit to that.  The thing is, and maybe this is where I have to ask my therapist to start focusing, I just don't understand why I don't value myself as much as I should - I truly feel that if i did value myself that I would do all of these things because I would be doing them for myself.  Maybe it's because I never had a role model who valued themself - god knows my mother never valued herself, but I think part of it is that I was taught that I wasn't really worth much because of my weight and that I won't value myself until I've lost weight - which is incredibly twisted, but I really think that's what it is.  i hate that about myself, but I guess I just need to figure it out.

I guess the other thing is that I also can't believe that any guy would actually be interested in me being that i look the way I do - I don't think that I'm beautiful to other people and while I enjoy the way I look when I'm getting ready in the morning, when I compare myself to other people, I always find myself lacking.  Something's got to change....

Current Mood: contemplative

So here's the thing - no matter where you are, no matter, what you're doing, people are always judging you.  I realize I should be aware of this, but for some reason, I was thinking that the more I stopped juding people, the more others would stop judging me - not so.  I go to my birthday party, where I get very drunk, and I get taken aside, more than once or twice asked what I'm doing kissing someone that I don't know too well, but he's new and to be quite honest, he is new and while I realize that this may not be what others do, but I'm drunk and it might just be what I do, what tod you want from me?  I want to be loved, to be appreciated, and there's someone here who's doing that, who's telling me that I'm amazing and beautiful and wonderulf - who wouldn't want to at least take advantage of that for a bit - I didnt' go home with him so at least I have that much....

Current Mood: frustrated

Well - I have been meaning to do this for over a week now, but I'll do my positives for this week instead.

1) Today is day 13 of going every day to the gym - 8 more days and supposedly its a habit - still working on that.

2) I've been writing down all of my food for the whole week - everything - so bonus!

3) An old friend that I haven't seen in 6 years emailed me today to tell me she was in town and we were able to have dinner and catch up - what a treat!


Just one more thing - this put a lot of thoughts into perspective for me today - there's a woman in my office who has lost over 120 pounds. She looks great - she tells me she still has about 30 pounds left to lose, which is obviously her choice and her goal and I support that, because she has been supportive in my weight loss efforts and to me she is an inspiration, but she said something to me today, that put everything into perspective. She told me that her perfect self is a size 4 and she's "awesome", meaning that when she reaches a size 4, she'll be perfect. It reminds me of the fact that in my mind, all my faults will fall away once I have reached my goal. Hearing her say that just merely reaching that size would make her "awesome", made me realize that I am not the only one who has strange expectations of my weight loss improving my life dramatically - but it also made me realize how insane my expectations are that just losing weight could take care of my debt, my apartment situation, my love life or my career woes - which it can't. I have to take care of all of those things on my own, including my weight loss. It was definitely an eye opener, but in a good way.

Hope this helps anyone else out there to realize that we all have within our grasp the ability to alter our destiny, our lives and how we live them - it's why we're here right? We are all on the journey to bettering our lives - congratulations on taking those steps forward!!!!

Current Mood: thoughtful

I would've learned my lesson by now - never go back and read an ex's blog - it makes you hate them even more..... ;)

Current Mood: mellow

Well golly, I had meant to do this long before now - meaning before 1 am CST, but oh well - I need to do it. So many reasons to be here, to write, to get all the insanity in my head out, to let it all out I guess. I guess one way to put it is that I feel like my mind never shuts off and like there aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I need to do and like I can't get everything accomplished that I need to get accomplished...I wonder if I will ever feel like I can sleep. The whole point of this journal is to be an outlet for the ramblings that go on inside my head. I know many say that writing in a paper journal is far superior to writing online, but I'll be honest, at the rate that I think, I get bored with actually writing things down - you know? I type about as fast as I think, and I think for most of the women out there - that's pretty damn fast.

I had a free account on here before, but too many people know about it - previous boyfriends, current boyfriend, and I really need a place to be able to be myself without them reading it, i.e. I don't need to censor myself with this one because they don't know I have it and can't get upset if they don't know it's here and can't read it - ha! We all need a place where we can be intimately anonymous - right? I know I do.

I kept running through all of these things that I wanted to write in my first entry - the things that have been running through my mind lately - but honestly, it just feels good to have started - to know that I have taken the first step to letting it all out.

I will say this though - I began to "peel the onion" today. I finally admitted something today, out loud, that I never thought would cross my lips, and it brought me to tears because I realized how true it was - how much it hurt, where it came from and how cathartic it was to actually say it - I was talking with P. (the current beau) in my bedroom about various things and I admitted that I am ashamed of the way I look. I just said it - out loud. And honestly - I've never really said it - even in my head before - it just sort of popped out and then tears began to roll down my cheeks....and I realized that it was true because I was taught to be ashamed of the way I look, not because I really should be, and that made me sad more than anything. To think of the time I have spent being ashamed and believing that because I wasn't someone else's ideal of beauty that I should be ashamed.....I have wasted too many years thinking that I am less, my friends. I am done wasting time.

Current Mood: mellow